Joshua Zawadi, the owner and founder of Melanated Daddy is a fatherhood and mental health advocacy platform that celebrates the process of parenting and unpacking trauma to heal in order to be intentional figures in the lives of their children.
Joshua Zawadi is also the man behind the Dad Doula and Dad Connect programs. The mission of Dad Doula is to provide resources, and guidance for the non-birthing parent as they plan to support the birthing person during the pregnancy, labor, and delivery and thereafter. This is done by learning how to advocate, and support with intentional presence. This service is extended to expecting parents, new again parents, and parents looking to re-enter their children’s lives. Dad Connect is simply a curated space for Dads to come together and connect, vent, and learn from one another in a safe space.
Josh Zawadi is an Army Veteran, husband, biological, and bonus dad to four children. He is a lover of Christ and believes in community. His passion for fatherhood is rooted in the belief that iron sharpens iron.
The moment I looked at my mother as a mental health patient and not as a super-woman, it changed everything for our relationship. I could see her for the help she needed and not for what she should have been for me. So give your mothers the grace to be human becuase they are still unpacking, still living through trauma, still trying to be better. If we keep reminding them of how they failed, then you can’t let go of that hurt as she’s trying to grow past it.
During our conversation, Joshua talked about:
– Some of his story including being adopted at the age of three, including him and his wife choosing their married name
– Being born in Newark, New Jersey, adopted at three years old moving to Milwaukee, going to college for two semesters then joining the army, served in the army for ten years and then retired and living in a truck for a while,
– An incredible story about surviving suicide ideation
– Going to the best high school in Milwaukee then going to the worst high school in Milwaukee and where is anger came from when he was younger
– His relationship with his mother
– The importance of his wife in his life
– His first job and joining the Army at seventeen years old
– Not having a good relationship with his mother until he became a father and advice for fathers that do not have a good relationship with their mothers
– Meeting his wife and how he proposed to her
– Dating his wife’s children
You contact Joshua via his website MelanatedDaddy.com.
Listen to the audio-only version of the conversation:
Watch the full conversation video:
Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited):
00:00
[Music]
00:06
[Music]
00:32
what is up everybody it’s dr vibe here
00:34
host and producer of the award-winning
00:36
doctor vibe show as always i’d like to
00:38
say you’re blessed highly favored a
00:39
magnet for miracles
00:40
and a solution for someone’s problem
00:43
2020
00:44
podcast news award winner and 2018 award
00:47
winner in the innovation category given
00:49
out by the
00:49
canadian ethics media association also
00:52
once a month i host the only
00:53
podcast in the world for dads and
00:55
fathers that is sponsored by dove men
00:57
care and it’s also co-sponsored by
01:00
dad central canada’s national father
01:02
organization and one other little thing
01:04
i do once in a while
01:05
i am the board chair for an organization
01:08
called the global food and drink
01:09
initiative
01:10
it’s a multimedia not for not not profit
01:13
non-profit sorry
01:14
that is dedicated to showcasing blacks
01:17
in the diaspora they’re involved in food
01:19
wine and travel
01:20
so we are continuing this journey called
01:23
dad’s talking as you may or may not know
01:26
i’m starting a journey having one-on-one
01:28
conversations with dads that i’m meeting
01:29
all around the world and we have another
01:32
dad here tonight that i’ve met through
01:33
the
01:34
clubhouse platform who is a super dad
01:37
like we got to get him
01:39
some kind of s on his chest because he
01:41
is a super dad because he gives to his
01:43
family
01:43
and he gives his community and he gives
01:45
to father so let me give you a little
01:46
background on him
01:47
joshua zawadi he is the owner and
01:50
founder of melanie
01:50
daddy a fatherhood and mental health
01:53
advocacy platform that celebrates the
01:54
process of parenting
01:56
and unpacking trauma to heal in order to
01:58
be intentional
02:00
figures in the lives of their children
02:03
he’s also the man behind
02:04
da doula and actually someone called me
02:06
about 20 minutes before this
02:08
live conversation like saying is the guy
02:10
from that doula going to be honest
02:11
yes yes yes so you’ve got you’ve got
02:14
input in canada you’ve got footprint in
02:15
canada and the dad connect programs
02:18
the mission of dad doulas provide
02:19
resources and guidance for the
02:20
non-birthing parent
02:22
as they plan to support the birthing
02:23
person during the pregnancy
02:26
labor and delivery and thereafter this
02:28
is done by learning how to advocate and
02:29
support with intentional presence
02:32
this service is extended to expand
02:34
expecting parents new and again parents
02:36
and parents
02:36
looking to re-enter their children’s
02:38
lives diet connect is simply a curated
02:41
space for dads to come together and
02:42
connect
02:43
vent and learn from one another in a
02:45
safe way space
02:46
he’s an army veteran husband biological
02:50
and bonus dad to four children i love
02:52
the bonus dad
02:53
he is the love of christ and believes in
02:55
community his passion of father it is
02:57
rooted in the belief that iron sharpens
02:59
iron so welcome for the first time and
03:02
hopefully
03:02
not the last time
03:05
mr joshua what is going on my brother
03:09
my brother my brother how are you i am
03:12
blessed highly favored a magnet for
03:14
miracles and a solution for someone’s
03:16
problem
03:18
just so i could hear you say that again
03:19
i love this i love that
03:21
i received that i received that and i
03:23
know you just came off another
03:25
conversation i had to bug you because
03:27
you were dropping so many knowledge
03:29
bombs and said
03:30
save something for dr vibes audience man
03:33
save something for us but like to say
03:35
thank you for taking time in your
03:36
positive productive schedule
03:38
to share with us anything for brothers
03:41
and for daddy
03:42
i will always make time for so no
03:44
problem received received
03:46
and i had when we did the before we came
03:48
on live
03:49
i said to joshua you know what we’re
03:52
going to talk a little bit about you
03:53
type we’re going to get to the father
03:54
piece
03:55
and he said you know what i’ve never had
03:58
a chance to tell my story
04:01
i’ve never told the whole story so
04:04
start um
04:08
if we’re going to start the story on
04:09
joshua zawadi it starts at joshua liston
04:12
so zawadi is my married name uh me and
04:15
mom i married a feminist
04:16
who didn’t believe in taking last names
04:20
so we i want to interrupt you right
04:21
there how did you respond to that and
04:24
how did
04:24
others respond to that so for me it
04:27
wasn’t an issue and the reason is is my
04:29
last name is my adopted last name anyway
04:32
okay i am a i am a adoptee my mother who
04:36
i live with on my heart
04:37
is a listing which made me a listener
04:40
um so for me there was no attachment to
04:43
the name my family’s still my family
04:45
uh liston staples all the people who are
04:48
bloodly related to that name
04:50
are still my family but um my wife was
04:53
uh
04:54
unwilling to uh take a man’s last name
04:58
so we created a last name that we chose
05:02
together
05:04
um and zawadi in swahili means the gift
05:07
so the family that we have now curated
05:09
is our gift
05:11
which is why we chose that last night
05:14
wonderful
05:14
wonderful okay let’s go back to the
05:16
track now so
05:18
young joshua joshua liskin is an adoptee
05:21
born in jersey um i
05:24
uh born in newark new jersey uh
05:27
adopted at the age of three i believe by
05:30
my mama darlene liston
05:31
who which then made me joshua listen uh
05:34
we moved from jersey to milwaukee
05:36
wisconsin
05:37
uh raised here in the in the baptist
05:40
church
05:41
uh my whole life you almost you almost
05:44
could have thought it was a pk
05:45
because my pastor acted like my
05:46
godfather so it was about the same thing
05:49
um but then uh after
05:53
you know going through high school
05:54
elementary middle school high school we
05:55
were very upper
05:57
upper middle class my mother’s a
05:59
principal so financially
06:01
we were good um but i went to college
06:04
and realized that
06:06
the education that i had received uh
06:09
all through middle and high school
06:10
wasn’t retained because it didn’t it
06:13
didn’t fit me it wasn’t for me
06:15
uh so i went to college for literally
06:16
two semesters and then joined the army
06:19
wow uh from the army i served ten years
06:24
uh did countless things love what i did
06:27
love the battle buddies the friends the
06:29
things i made
06:30
and then uh retired i got medically
06:33
retired up so i still get a check
06:35
i still do all that very good um and
06:38
then
06:38
um kind of went through a discovery
06:41
period afterwards which i call myself
06:44
the period of being on the potter’s
06:45
wheel
06:47
when i got the military i was so
06:50
uh attached to man that i forgot who god
06:53
was
06:55
because in the army you are attached to
06:58
your battle buddies your brothers your
06:59
sisters
07:00
so you become connected almost
07:03
dependent on man
07:06
um and when i got out of the army every
07:09
job i applied for
07:10
told me man you know i love what you’re
07:12
doing what you do
07:13
but you’re overqualified i can’t hire
07:15
you so literally i went
07:17
six months because when i retired out my
07:19
retirement didn’t kick in right away
07:21
it was backlogged i had to wait almost
07:23
six months to get my first check
07:25
uh for retirement so we um
07:29
i i’m single at this time so my wife is
07:31
not even in my life at this moment
07:33
um i’m living in a truck
07:36
i’m staying on friend’s couches because
07:39
paying rent
07:40
just wasn’t feasible when you ain’t got
07:42
no money
07:43
and nobody had a job for me so it came
07:46
down to one night where i was staying
07:47
with a friend of mine whose mother was
07:50
one of the mothers of the church
07:51
and um i said you know what god
07:55
i can’t do this no i’m done i get in my
07:58
car and in tennessee
08:00
uh clarksville to be exact where i was
08:02
stationed at fort campbell
08:03
uh there’s a thing called the river walk
08:05
and really it’s just the river that runs
08:07
through
08:08
uh clarksville tennessee i had all the
08:10
intentions of driving
08:12
into this river wow so i’m speeding down
08:16
what we call fort campbell boulevard
08:18
i’m doing probably 90 95 miles an hour
08:21
and then out of nowhere i get a phone
08:23
call
08:24
the weird thing about this is i didn’t
08:26
pay my phone bill so my phone was off
08:30
talk to me my phone started ringing i
08:33
said what
08:34
what is what is this i answered my phone
08:37
it’s my battle buddy
08:38
her husband’s like god is telling me
08:40
that you about to do something stupid
08:42
what’s wrong i said battle i don’t feel
08:44
like talking she said stop
08:46
come to my house i said no i shut up
08:49
come to my house
08:52
okay so i go to her house her husband
08:54
meet me outside and when i tell you i
08:56
had never received an embrace like that
08:58
in my life and all they kept saying is
09:02
god said hold on a little bit longer
09:05
and they just held me they fed me they
09:07
held me
09:08
and then i went back to my boy’s mama
09:10
house and went back to sleep
09:12
literally 48 hours later i landed the
09:15
second biggest job of my life
09:17
wow and it was a connection that i made
09:20
at the church that i was attending at
09:22
the time
09:23
in kentucky he said well i used to be
09:26
you know
09:27
in this position at this mental hospital
09:29
i got some pull
09:30
let me get you in and 48 hours later i
09:33
had a job
09:35
mind you 48 hours earlier i just tried
09:37
to kill myself so
09:40
yeah 48 hours later i had a gig so then
09:42
great job
09:43
great benefits i love what i did i was
09:46
speaking life into young people
09:47
and soldiers alike just doing the work
09:50
and then
09:51
um they downsize and let me go
09:55
got it so it’s okay guys i’m not gonna
09:58
freak out this time like i did last time
10:00
because i’ve seen you work it out
10:02
so god guess what you’re not a guy that
10:04
you can lie so i need you to make it
10:05
happen what’s next
10:07
well the the the the education that i
10:11
learned
10:11
in that previous job opened up a door to
10:14
another state facility doing the same
10:16
thing
10:17
landed that job i did that for about a
10:19
year year and a half
10:21
and then it was time for me to leave the
10:24
south
10:24
i’ll leave tennessee i should say um but
10:27
i was fighting it
10:28
i didn’t want to go like no i got
10:30
friends i got my life set up i don’t
10:31
want to leave
10:33
so god took the job again
10:36
and then so i said well since i ain’t
10:38
got no job now
10:40
it’s time to go so i end up taking the
10:42
job with verizon wireless
10:44
shout out to probably my favorite job
10:45
i’ve ever had and um
10:48
they shipped me up to uh georgia
10:51
for training and i stayed in georgia
10:53
after at a mall
10:54
as a salesperson making really good
10:56
money um
10:57
got promoted to manager and that sent me
10:59
to texas
11:02
was a manager in texas for a year
11:05
and then that’s when i started my
11:06
ministry that’s why i started preaching
11:09
um my brother tj shout out to t he’s
11:12
probably watching on whatever platform
11:14
um tj was very adamant
11:18
and very in tune with god the title of
11:21
tj is a prophet he was able to hear
11:23
things
11:23
that i was not able to hear and we’re
11:26
sitting there playing the video game
11:28
we’re playing 2k cause that’s my brother
11:29
we boys we playing 2k
11:31
and he looks at me and he says brother
11:34
god said that your wife
11:35
is ready for you to receive her but you
11:38
got to choose her
11:40
and i need you to go do this work
11:41
because guys say he’s not gonna play
11:42
this game with you
11:43
either you’re gonna choose one or you’re
11:44
not i said okay
11:46
cool got it whatever um
11:51
and um so then i i go home after playing
11:55
2k with tj and i said okay guys
11:58
if my wife is ready for me right if my
12:01
wife is going to be a thing
12:02
and we’re going to do this thing then
12:05
god
12:06
i need you to show me who she is like i
12:08
need you to show me
12:09
so that i can do what i got to prepare
12:11
myself
12:14
obviously the way god talks to me is
12:15
different than others he doesn’t just
12:17
sometimes he talks but often he just
12:19
sends me glimpses images so forth to
12:21
someone
12:22
and um i go on instagram
12:26
and then i see my wife’s picture as the
12:29
first six pictures on instagram
12:31
mind you nobody’s picture is six in a
12:34
row
12:35
you all you might get one but then
12:38
you’ll get everybody else who’s posting
12:39
a picture
12:40
i had six pictures of my wife in a row
12:44
i said okay god this just don’t i
12:47
refresh instagram
12:48
i get four new pictures of the scene
12:52
i said okay guys this this this is weird
12:54
this ain’t making no sense
12:56
so me and my wife actually went to
12:58
school together in high school before i
13:00
got
13:01
uh administratively kicked out for
13:05
honest batman define define
13:07
administratively
13:09
kicked out that’s so politically correct
13:12
i was a child who
13:15
was raised in toxic masculinity okay and
13:18
i was never a child to do flight or
13:22
flight fight or flight it was a fighter
13:24
fight right
13:25
and i didn’t care who you was age-wise
13:27
i’d come see you
13:28
so looking at me on this picture you
13:30
don’t see i’m six foot three
13:32
three hundred pounds i didn’t care
13:35
who you were i’m coming for you right
13:38
so that ended up giving me a nice and my
13:41
mom’s a principal
13:42
in the same school system oh shame yeah
13:45
so the principal just called my mama and
13:47
said hey girl i’m gonna do you a silent
13:50
i’m not gonna kick him out you gotta
13:52
remove him
13:53
because he cutting up so i left the best
13:56
high school in milwaukee
13:58
to go to the worst high school shame
14:01
which was
14:02
which and i’m not gonna say my high
14:03
school name no no no no no
14:06
edit edit we’ll leave it out but um
14:09
it was an experience i needed because
14:13
uh when you can humbly see how your
14:16
actions
14:16
affect you early enough you can start
14:19
making changes
14:21
so i had to do the work from then point
14:23
to realize okay
14:24
i got this brawn i got this size let me
14:27
be constructive with it
14:29
and so i got into football football
14:32
weightlifting basketball baseball i
14:33
played almost every sport except for
14:35
soccer
14:36
right and i was able to channel my anger
14:39
channel my things into sports uh
14:42
it got me uh some some friendships that
14:44
i still have to this day
14:46
but it prepared me for the next thing
14:47
which was the army that i just talked
14:49
about
14:51
so back to my wife and meeting her we
14:53
were high school
14:54
she was the high school dj for the high
14:57
school so she was
14:58
dj symphony on the ones and twos was her
15:00
little
15:01
name and uh
15:05
just making sure you get it right i can
15:06
hear in the background
15:08
my little name is my name right oh but
15:10
my i was there with my my cousins
15:13
i said bro like i want her i was like go
15:15
talk to her she cool wasn’t that
15:18
i ain’t ready for that fast forward 13
15:21
years
15:23
i finally got my shot and i took it
15:27
and now she’s stuck with me for life
15:32
as he looks at her and i don’t want to
15:34
see the look on her face she’s stuck in
15:35
her face so she can’t say that
15:37
she knows here she killed that’s gonna
15:41
say something
15:44
hi queen good stuff
15:48
so uh that is my story yeah i saw which
15:51
i went from
15:52
yeah it was interesting no well just a
15:55
few things before we move on to the next
15:57
part of our conversation
16:00
what kept you going when you were young
16:04
even when the time when the times were
16:06
dim
16:10
i i i used to tell a story about when
16:14
when i talked to patients who were
16:16
mentally unstable and they were either
16:18
homicidal
16:19
or suicidal and i used to always tell
16:23
them
16:23
i was too pretty to kill myself
16:26
and too scared to go to jail to kill
16:28
somebody else
16:29
so to answer your question i i had an
16:33
inner strength that was rooted in god
16:35
from my upbringing
16:36
that i didn’t realize was there until i
16:38
tapped into it after the army
16:41
um the bible says train the child in the
16:44
way they should go
16:45
and they won’t depart from it right i
16:48
was literally
16:49
trained from six years old until now
16:53
that god is my dad and that’s literally
16:55
the way because i didn’t have a father
16:57
growing up a lot of my anger came from
16:58
two things
16:59
toxic masculinity and and not having a
17:02
father
17:02
to show me this manhood thing right um
17:06
and and slightly being adopted that’s
17:09
that’s another part right yeah
17:10
absolutely
17:12
i i was i never realized that i was
17:16
imprinting myself with the understanding
17:18
that i had a dad the whole time
17:21
right so when the times got hard and i
17:24
was unable
17:25
to pull the strength from just my own
17:27
brawn
17:28
something from the inside kicked into
17:30
high gear and did it
17:32
for me it wasn’t anything i could i
17:34
could do
17:36
it was something that just automatically
17:37
was like a slight switch oh you this is
17:39
too big for you hold on
17:41
i got it and i will go into autopilot
17:43
through these situations
17:46
um so a lot of it is is due to my
17:48
faith-based and being rooted
17:50
another part of it is my calling
17:54
and not my not my minister calling i’m
17:56
not talking about that one
17:57
of my calling in reference to the work i
18:00
have to do with men
18:02
okay we’re going to parking lot that i’m
18:04
going to ask
18:05
is your mother still alive my mother
18:07
there’s a lot yes
18:09
praise god to that
18:12
tell me especially in those
18:16
younger years how important your mother
18:19
was to your existence
18:23
so i said if i’m going to be honest this
18:26
is a two-headed sword
18:27
conversation because i love my mother
18:29
with all of me
18:31
but i put my mother on a pedestal that
18:32
she shouldn’t have been on
18:34
explain uh my mother is human
18:39
so because she’s human she’s flawed
18:42
right and i put my mama on this pedestal
18:45
like she couldn’t do no wrong
18:47
but the moment she did wrong it rocked
18:49
my core
18:51
okay and it took me to be grown to
18:53
understand
18:55
that my mama is a human she’s not
18:57
superwoman
18:58
she’s not bad girl she’s not a wonder
19:01
woman
19:02
she is a woman who is flawed and has her
19:05
own trauma to deal with
19:07
when did you start realizing that was
19:08
there a moment
19:11
like six weeks ago
19:12
[Laughter]
19:17
my wife my wife is the
19:22
single highest catalyst for change for
19:25
me
19:26
um i i was very hard on my mother
19:28
especially with baby love
19:29
y’all didn’t see her but he did baby
19:31
love is my five month old
19:33
i am a grizzly bear over all my kids
19:37
but especially that one and i
19:40
i didn’t reserve space for my mother in
19:42
their lives
19:44
because of how she treated me yeah
19:47
and i had to have a conversation with
19:48
her and then i had it with my mother and
19:50
then my wife said baby you had the
19:52
conversation
19:53
you drew the lines let her show you she
19:56
can do it
19:57
no she no she’s not gonna she said baby
19:59
listen
20:00
you’re talking like the hurt
20:01
seven-year-old let your mama be better
20:04
for them than she was for you
20:07
you know we have to have your wife on
20:08
separately you know that
20:10
right she you see she came here away she
20:12
gonna jump on whenever
20:14
no problem that’s no problem that’s the
20:17
lifestyle
20:18
when tell me how you felt before that
20:22
conversation with your mother
20:24
during that conversation and after that
20:26
conversation
20:27
so the conversation truly started
20:30
because i have an eight-year-old bio
20:31
daughter already kalani
20:34
is my daughter that i made in the
20:36
military
20:37
she’s upstairs in the bed sleep uh i’m
20:40
i’m blessed to be in a situation where i
20:42
co-parent and blended family
20:44
parent very well so i don’t have to
20:48
go through certain circumstances that
20:49
some brothers have to
20:51
yeah i i have my baby when i want my
20:54
baby
20:54
in and then she goes home when it’s time
20:57
to go home
20:58
right beautiful so during the school
20:59
year she’s with me during the summer if
21:01
mama
21:02
okay um but i had to have a conversation
21:06
with mama
21:08
because uh my other my bonus babies
21:11
realized that kalani got a different
21:13
level of attention
21:15
than they did and what i wasn’t going to
21:18
do is if
21:19
i have all my kids from eight seven four
21:22
and newborn
21:23
on the same playing field i need you to
21:25
do the same thing
21:26
because what we’re not going to do is
21:28
create divide or who can call
21:30
grandma grandma and who has to just be
21:32
the bone no no
21:33
she is all your grandma she will love
21:35
all of y’all the same and if you can’t
21:37
that’s fine just don’t come around
21:41
wow because what you’re not i have two
21:43
bonus babies who already feel neglected
21:45
by their father
21:46
you’re not going to add to that we can’t
21:48
do that
21:50
so we had that talk and mama received it
21:52
perfectly fine i get it i understand
21:55
so then fast forward to my mama texting
21:58
me to see the newborn i want to see the
21:59
baby
22:00
and i’m i’m not replying i’m not
22:02
responding
22:03
i’m cold shouldering my mama the whole
22:05
time
22:06
to the point where she has to text my
22:08
wife and my
22:10
wife is like baby let your mama come to
22:12
the house
22:13
and the the dynamic of my the dynamic of
22:16
our household is really weird
22:17
i tell everybody my wife appointed me
22:19
the head but my wife is very much the
22:22
neck
22:24
the head can’t turn if the neck don’t
22:25
let it
22:27
so because of that my wife is very very
22:30
good at making me do things that i don’t
22:32
want to do
22:34
she has an innate ability to talk into
22:36
the inside of me and say baby
22:38
stop you okay stop
22:42
so she said baby let her see these
22:43
babies
22:46
what’s going on brother dj hey brother
22:48
dj do another it’s another person
22:50
everyone
22:51
please follow him wherever you are
22:53
incredible father
22:54
willing to receive and willing to give
22:56
so great to have you here
22:58
so you see my wife said baby let your
23:00
mama
23:02
in and just see what she does you you
23:05
guys have the conversation
23:07
let it happen okay cool whatever
23:11
so mama comes over and when i tell you
23:13
my mama greets
23:14
all the kids and she buys gifts and food
23:17
for
23:17
all the kids after that conversation my
23:20
mama if my momma was to be graded on a
23:23
on a grandmother’s scale she’s a 32 out
23:26
of 10.
23:27
on a mother’s scale and we have some
23:29
work to do but regardless of that
23:31
she has shown up tremendously as a
23:33
grandma
23:35
so because of that i’m blessed to say
23:37
she’s still
23:38
in our lives uh my wife lost her mother
23:41
last year
23:42
michael two years ago so my condolences
23:46
you know my mama had to be exceptional
23:48
because her mother was
23:50
an angel like but to see her mother
23:53
work as hard as her mother did was crazy
23:57
so my wife my wife knows what motherhood
24:00
should look like
24:01
which is what really pushed me into why
24:02
my fatherhood is the way it is
24:05
thank you for sharing that my friend and
24:07
i hope you feel good sharing that out
24:08
for the first time
24:10
i’ve never told my whole story anyway
24:13
when you asked me
24:14
i’ve never told the whole story ever
24:16
well that’s
24:17
well it’s important when i
24:20
help men because i don’t work with men
24:22
because if i would work with men i would
24:24
lose all the rest of the hair i have on
24:25
my body
24:26
tmi right but but
24:30
every man every father has a story
24:34
and we have been in some digital rooms
24:36
together and we know the
24:37
importance for having the brave and safe
24:40
space for him to share his story
24:42
yes so i’m very humbled that people have
24:45
heard it for the first time
24:47
here and i appreciate that so
24:51
um and i’m looking forward to seeing the
24:54
book and the documentary
24:55
now so you are
24:59
literally i want to say the 13th person
25:01
you need to write a book
25:02
but look talking is my gift
25:05
now if i don’t know all you can do or
25:08
not all you do is talk it into
25:09
an op like otter and someone can do the
25:11
i was going to say
25:12
if
25:24
the only time i pen is when i sign a
25:26
contract nothing else all right
25:28
and typing things out if it has to do
25:30
with fathers in my show i’m great
25:32
anything else forget it but that’s all
25:33
other conversation
25:36
let me ask you what did you want to be
25:37
when you were growing up
25:40
um i think i had the same foolish
25:43
childhood yeah i want to be an nfl
25:44
player and an nfl football player and
25:47
then after i realized
25:48
that my size and speed was cooked good
25:50
but not and i feel good
25:53
i changed it to medicine so i want to be
25:54
a surgeon
25:56
okay and then i want to be a nurse and
25:58
then i want to do sports medicine like
26:00
i’ve had a thousand
26:02
currently i’m in school to get my degree
26:04
in ministry as well as
26:06
psychology i want to be a therapist to
26:08
deal with fathers and men
26:10
yes very much needed
26:13
very much needed uh what was the first
26:16
job you had
26:17
my very first job was
26:21
sears i was a cashier at sears
26:25
how and how was that i it was my first
26:28
my high school job so we had early
26:29
dismissal for juniors and seniors who
26:31
had the credits
26:32
so i would leave school at noon and i
26:34
had to report to work
26:36
directly from school but we had to dress
26:38
up for work so we had to wear button-up
26:39
ties
26:40
yes and uh slacks so i had to get
26:43
dressed
26:45
at uh school and then get on the city
26:48
bus to go to work
26:49
and then my mom bought me a car so i
26:51
drove the car to work but
26:53
it was it showed me what what a
26:55
professional
26:56
switch looks like i had never seen that
26:59
before so having to go from jeans
27:01
and jordans in loungewear to
27:04
a tie and a button down that’s ironed
27:07
with the slacks
27:08
i had never seen that before but it was
27:11
good to see
27:12
nice you said you you didn’t have a
27:15
father did you have any mentors when you
27:16
were growing up
27:18
a few um i think
27:21
if if i’m going to be honest a lot of
27:23
the mentors i had
27:24
were seasonal mentors they served their
27:28
purpose for that season
27:30
yeah and then they were gone uh i think
27:33
the only mentor i had i
27:35
i currently still have is my best
27:36
friend’s father
27:38
my best friend’s name is nelson his dad
27:40
has been the only
27:42
father i consistently see in a child’s
27:44
life in my life
27:46
nelson is 29 i’m 33 so he’s like 29
27:51
30 somewhere in there and nelson’s dad
27:54
has never turned his back
27:55
has never left and has been his biggest
27:58
cheerleader his whole life
28:00
nice and to see that gave me hope
28:04
because i didn’t have it at home but i
28:06
was able to live vicariously through my
28:08
best friend
28:09
and then and his father to this day
28:11
still calls me son
28:13
so stupid welcome when i got home when i
28:15
first came back to milwaukee was the
28:16
first place i saw
28:18
son welcome what’s going on we gotta eat
28:20
i gotta cook for you okay dad okay
28:21
whatever got it
28:22
and he does it all the time he he writes
28:25
me on like nine different websites
28:27
instead of just texting me he’s
28:30
he just writes me on instagram and i’m
28:32
thinking about you
28:34
on indeed something okay it pops i got
28:36
it i’m here call me just call me dad i’m
28:38
here
28:38
but all in all he gave he showed me that
28:41
men can love sons
28:44
it’s beautiful if you had an opportunity
28:47
to speak to say something
28:48
to him right now what would you tell
28:50
them
28:51
i would say i’m trying to say it without
28:53
crying number one but it’s all right
28:55
now be yourself it’s all good number one
28:58
it’s thank you for for truly giving me
29:03
unconditional love as if i was yours
29:06
and you didn’t have to you were the
29:08
first example
29:10
of a community dad i’ve ever seen and
29:13
because of that
29:15
i owe you and i honor you
29:18
by the way i raise my children that’s
29:21
wonderful
29:22
that’s beautiful why did you go
29:26
and serve for the country and i’d say
29:28
first first of all thank you for doing
29:29
that
29:30
even though we’re in two different
29:31
countries thank you
29:34
why did you do it and what was your
29:35
mother’s reaction when you did that
29:37
i can give you two answers
29:41
number one i joined my i joined the army
29:44
to spite my mother
29:47
[Music]
29:49
my mother found out 48 hours before i
29:51
left
29:53
i had signed the contract i did
29:55
everything in meps
29:56
i had my boot date i had my day i was
29:58
leaving and i told her at the dinner
30:00
table two days before i left
30:03
my boys threw me a goodbye party at some
30:05
bar at some club
30:07
i was 17 so we couldn’t really do much
30:09
but they threw me a goodbye party
30:11
and i was gone my mama wrote me a
30:12
heartfelt i wish i could change your
30:15
mind letter
30:16
i’ll be praying for you later but me and
30:18
my mother did not have a real
30:20
relationship until i became a father
30:22
[Music]
30:25
the moment i became a father me my
30:26
mother got closer
30:29
i wanna i wanna just stay at that for a
30:31
moment what thoughts
30:33
would you like to share with men and
30:35
dads out there that
30:37
don’t have a good relationship with
30:38
their mother for whatever reason
30:40
any because you have come out on the
30:42
other side so
30:44
you you you felt they’re some of the
30:46
pain that they’re feeling
30:47
what would you like to share with them
30:49
number one
30:51
grace is afforded regardless of our
30:53
feelings
30:55
you have to give your mothers the grace
30:57
to understand number one
30:59
my my my brother in my circle jb gave me
31:02
a quote that i hold on to the dear life
31:04
he said brother
31:05
the moment i looked at my mother as a
31:07
mental health patient
31:09
and not as superwoman it changed
31:12
everything for our relationship
31:13
because i could see her for the help she
31:15
needed and not for what she should have
31:17
been
31:18
for me so give your mothers the grace to
31:22
be
31:22
human because they’re still unpacking
31:25
they’re still
31:25
living through trauma they’re still
31:27
trying to be better
31:29
and if we keep reminding them of how
31:30
they failed
31:32
then you can’t let go of that hurt as
31:34
she’s trying to grow past it
31:38
uh number two would be um especially if
31:41
you grew up like me in a single mother
31:43
household
31:44
realize she did the best that she knew
31:46
to do
31:47
and i tell everybody the reason i don’t
31:50
want my kids is because my mama the
31:52
reason i don’t do a lot of things in my
31:54
parenting is because of what my mother
31:55
did in our situation
31:57
and i wanted to be different so my mama
32:00
taught me
32:01
how to conscious parent by doing it
32:03
backwards
32:06
take those lessons and apply them but
32:09
give her the grace to make up for it
32:11
and not to remind her of the mishaps she
32:13
had
32:16
wonderful that’s great what did you
32:18
learn about yourself
32:20
serving for your country
32:25
if anything nothing that i didn’t
32:27
already know but if
32:28
it was anything that stuck out was my
32:30
mature my immaturity level
32:31
and then it turned into my maturity
32:33
level i
32:35
went in as a young 17 thinking i knew
32:37
the world
32:38
and then quickly realized fool you don’t
32:40
know nothing
32:43
um and when i tell you the army put me
32:47
in some situations to really
32:49
have to deal with me right so
32:52
um i think that basic training at fort
32:54
benning georgia for penny georgia
32:57
um that was the first time i’d ever
33:00
called
33:00
the n word to my face by somebody who
33:03
wasn’t black
33:06
and i had to sit in that and i had to
33:08
like wait
33:09
what what what just happened mind you
33:12
where i’m from
33:14
they’ll call you that they don’t say it
33:15
to your face it’s behind your back when
33:17
you two blocks down the street
33:19
um he said hey what’s up i was like oh
33:23
wait what what
33:24
you just saying and he said it again uh
33:27
i think the only saving grace in that
33:29
moment
33:30
was that my drill sergeant was right
33:31
there an old buddy who said it was out
33:34
of the army
33:34
ten days later he got kicked out um
33:38
because they don’t play disrespect um
33:40
but
33:42
i had to then start to work on my anger
33:45
i had to then start to work on who josh
33:48
is at his core
33:49
and i had to learn coping mechanism i
33:52
had to
33:53
learn how to maneuver spaces that you’re
33:55
not wanting it i had to learn a lot
33:58
because of the army uh so if anything
34:01
it showed me my immaturity but it caused
34:04
me to mature quicker
34:06
okay good stuff so coming back from the
34:10
army and you shared it with us earlier
34:11
you went through a number of different
34:12
things
34:13
um how did you meet your your bride
34:18
well we’re high school we’re high school
34:19
classmates so i met her before the army
34:21
um and i i had a crush on her at the age
34:24
of 13
34:26
14. um but at that time
34:30
she was into older guys and i was not
34:32
her stealing i already knew it
34:34
she was a track star i was a football
34:35
player it just wasn’t going to work
34:37
um and we we often tell the story that
34:40
had we
34:41
tried it back then we would ruin what
34:43
god was trying to do now
34:45
um so i i admired her from a distance
34:49
as i still worked on me right on
34:52
and then uh as i got out the army and i
34:54
was in texas and ministry
34:56
and i said god where where’s my wife
34:58
like i need a wife i need i need
35:00
somebody who sent
35:01
from you for me and
35:04
uh like i said i went on instagram and
35:06
all i saw was her picture like 10 times
35:08
i was like wait this is weird my
35:09
instagram must be must be bugging out
35:12
i refresh the page and here’s four more
35:14
okay guys this
35:15
this ain’t this ain’t just instagram
35:17
it’s okay i reach out on instagram and
35:19
my wife curves me
35:21
my wife does not respond she doesn’t do
35:24
anything
35:26
so i said god what’s up what’s next and
35:29
then um
35:30
guys they go to facebook say go to
35:32
facebook what
35:34
i i’m always already her friend on
35:36
facebook from school
35:38
i write her on facebook and that’s where
35:40
she responded back
35:42
we started talking through facebook it
35:43
ended up going on our first date
35:46
and now what three years later we’re
35:47
here
35:49
how did you propose my original plan was
35:52
something small and intimate
35:54
i won i wanted to get a restaurant and i
35:56
want the packet full of people she knew
35:59
them the light so she couldn’t see who
36:00
anybody was around us
36:02
and propose my wife’s idea for proposal
36:05
was i want it loud in public
36:08
because my wife my wife and her past
36:11
life was used to being in the sidelines
36:15
so men didn’t publicly post her they
36:17
didn’t publicly praise her
36:19
if you go to my instagram facebook she
36:21
everywhere why
36:22
not because i have to because i need my
36:24
wife to know she’s seen
36:27
so uh i said okay i’m gonna do it your
36:29
way so we i had her girls set up a
36:32
new year’s eve event at this local bar
36:35
uh it was a mix and play we don’t really
36:37
drink so we ate i don’t drink but we ate
36:40
and i had that ring in my back pocket
36:41
the whole night as soon as he did the
36:43
countdown
36:44
uh for happy new year i was on my news
36:47
oh
36:47
wonderful wonderful now another thing
36:50
that you can
36:52
share with a lot of dads you have bonus
36:54
babies
36:55
yes i have two bonus babies uh
36:58
tell tell how how did you initially
37:01
handle that
37:03
was that something you were quick for
37:05
because a lot of men aren’t
37:07
i i’m blessed in that aspect that when
37:10
it comes to the core of me
37:12
and my checklist for whom my partner
37:14
looked like having kids was on my list
37:17
wonderful i wanted a mother uh
37:20
because number one if you’re a mother
37:22
you come with certain skills
37:24
that single women may not have um single
37:27
with no
37:28
no kids women may not have um my wife
37:31
didn’t get the cookie jean she’s okay
37:33
i’m good so that’s my thing i’m okay
37:34
with that uh but my wife has a nurturing
37:37
spirit of her
37:38
that is unmatched and i knew for the man
37:42
that is who i
37:42
am right now i need my partner to be
37:45
nurturing to calm the grizzly bear
37:46
that’s inside me
37:48
so i said i need a mother i need a boss
37:50
and i’m tired of having women around
37:52
that i pay
37:53
all the bills for and they don’t appre i
37:55
need a boss i need somebody who makes
37:56
her own
37:57
uh i need a i need a woman who knows god
38:01
i don’t care how strong the relationship
38:02
is we’ll get there
38:04
but i just need you to know he exists um
38:07
and then a few other things and um
38:10
so when i met her her children
38:14
i had to intentionally date her children
38:19
where did you get that mindset from
38:22
the so i was sitting down one day and i
38:25
said look here
38:26
if i’m gonna date the mother what sense
38:29
does it make to not date the kids
38:31
because i can’t come in and say i got
38:33
your mama heart
38:34
and now you stuck with me no that’s not
38:36
how that works
38:37
you have to know that her kids fell in
38:39
love with me first before she did
38:42
a great testimonial so so um you have to
38:45
date the children with the same
38:47
intensity that you date the women
38:48
or men that you’re going after uh
38:51
because understand their heart
38:53
is is just this trifold it’s the kids
38:56
it’s them
38:57
and then it’s whatever they believe in
38:58
god whatever their heart is going to be
39:00
cut into many pieces
39:02
but the same that part that’s meant out
39:03
for the kids you’ll never get if you
39:05
don’t fall in love with these kids
39:07
you have to date you have to learn love
39:09
languages
39:10
i can tell you all my kids love
39:12
languages i can tell you how they
39:13
receive it
39:14
how they show it i can tell you all that
39:17
uh because i did the work to know
39:20
um so you have to date the children
39:22
intently
39:23
i dated her kid and she was skeptical of
39:25
it at first let’s be honest
39:27
it was i don’t want this weird man
39:28
dating my kids but like i told her
39:31
if if you’re going to ever trust me with
39:33
your heart you have to let me teach them
39:34
to trust me with theirs
39:36
wonderful so uh like i said her kids her
39:40
son fell in love like 30 days later
39:42
he was he was he was in it you mind okay
39:44
cool whatever
39:45
her daughter has had a relationship with
39:48
her father
39:49
before he disappeared and mind you he’s
39:51
in the same city he just
39:52
doesn’t come around um so
39:57
she uh she put up a fight
40:00
um thank you ms debra i appreciate it
40:04
um she she put up a fight because
40:07
she felt like she was sliding her father
40:11
by letting me in and i’ve even reached
40:15
out to her father said hey man can we
40:17
i’ll pay for the basketball the bucks
40:19
game tickets i will
40:21
let’s go to a local basketball game she
40:22
wants to go let her see giannis let her
40:25
see the basketball game
40:26
and let her see both of her dads
40:28
coexisted
40:30
so that she doesn’t have to do the work
40:32
of trying to know if this is okay
40:33
let me show her it’s okay he wouldn’t go
40:36
he wouldn’t come
40:37
it’s cool i get it um but because of his
40:41
absence we’ve grown
40:43
closer because she’s starting to get to
40:45
that age where she’s realizing
40:47
that your words are just that your words
40:50
aren’t carrying weight because your
40:52
actions are behind it
40:53
because the man in my house his actions
40:55
follow his words
40:58
so oh my bonus daughter is probably the
41:01
most
41:02
protective of me in this house
41:05
oh she don’t she don’t play about daddy
41:07
[ __ ]
41:09
she don’t play all right it was this
41:11
morning i was cooking and her mama kept
41:12
smacking me in the butt
41:14
okay stop touching my butt and here
41:15
comes don’t touch my daddy
41:20
she got your back baby she don’t play
41:22
about her daddy
41:23
so you gotta just let her have it so you
41:26
know
41:26
our bond is is amazing um her brother
41:30
is my twin so uh my my second bonus
41:33
baby’s four and he’s the one who did who
41:35
who never really had a relationship with
41:37
his father so i was daddy and it was
41:39
just
41:39
that’s what it is um and he
41:42
mimics everything i do so he causes me
41:45
to be truly intentional with the words
41:47
and the actions i show
41:49
because i know he’s watching if i open
41:52
the door for the girl she
41:53
daddy i got it and he gonna open the
41:54
door for the girls if i’m if i’m getting
41:57
groceries and put
41:58
i got a daddy he’s mimicking every step
42:01
of the way
42:02
so my bonus babies are truly my kids
42:06
there is no way around it that’s
42:08
wonderful it sounds like that that young
42:11
man that duplicates you that’s one of
42:12
the things i say
42:13
a lot of times the young people emulate
42:16
what they replicate
42:17
yes very true
42:21
when did you notice that helping fathers
42:23
and men would be part of your journey
42:26
a lot of stuff that you’re going to ask
42:28
me you’re gonna realize my wife called
42:30
out
42:32
um if you heard the live where i was
42:34
talking about sitting on your gift and
42:36
not using it
42:37
yep that was it yeah well you know what
42:41
i say
42:42
your gift will take you where your
42:43
character will fail you
42:45
i i’ve always been able to connect with
42:48
people rather quickly
42:50
i’ve always been able to um
42:54
i’ve always been able to convey my
42:56
message correctly i’ve always been able
42:58
to talk about god fluently without a pro
43:01
i’ve always had these gifts i never use
43:04
them
43:04
brother melvin i appreciate it thank you
43:06
sir um
43:08
i i think it took my wife to hear me
43:11
what are we doing
43:12
i i was at church and my wife so my wife
43:16
will also often say she’s a baby in this
43:18
thing
43:18
of christianity and i’m a grown man and
43:21
i’m like baby no
43:22
i just know i’ve been doing this a
43:24
little longer yeah
43:26
i disagree i disagree i disagree with
43:28
what you do what you were saying there
43:29
too
43:30
yeah i’m like no baby i i just have more
43:32
practice as i as you do this
43:34
more you but so we were in church and
43:37
she was asking me about the scripture
43:39
that pastor was talking
43:40
about and i broke it down from the
43:42
context of what i understood it as
43:44
and as i’m saying it my pastor was
43:46
saying it too
43:48
and she said baby is there something you
43:50
want to tell me i said what she said you
43:52
just said this the same exact way our
43:53
pastor did
43:55
did you used to preach or something mind
43:57
you i had never told my wife
43:59
me and my wife never had this
44:00
conversation oh
44:02
we were engaged before she knew i
44:04
preached
44:07
wow and um or or in my past
44:11
life i minister i don’t like using word
44:13
preached um
44:14
i i’m a minister my job is to give you
44:17
what the lord says and then i drop it
44:18
right there
44:19
i’m not pastor uh i give you what god
44:22
says i keep it moving
44:24
um but we had i was like yeah you know i
44:27
did what in dabble
44:29
and i did a little bit of this a little
44:30
bit of that and she laughed like no
44:31
you’re not telling me the whole story
44:33
i want to talk to tj which is the guy
44:35
who i preach with my brother
44:38
that’s okay so i call tj and tj runs her
44:40
the oh yeah you got a powerful said tj
44:42
stop don’t
44:44
i don’t want her to know and it’s not
44:46
like i was keeping it from her right
44:48
for me if i want you to get your
44:50
understanding of god like i got my own
44:54
i was always raised in a school of
44:55
thought that you can’t get to heaven on
44:57
grandmama’s faith
44:58
you got to build your own and i don’t
45:01
want you
45:02
to weigh on mine heavily as if you can’t
45:05
build the same understanding i have
45:08
so i was like nah i don’t want her to
45:10
know this but tj told her anyway
45:13
so um my wife was like well babe why
45:15
don’t you preach now i said look here
45:17
baby
45:17
i’m a member of a church that is my
45:19
title i don’t do
45:21
nothing extra i’m not preaching
45:24
and i hadn’t joined her churches so this
45:26
is her pastor
45:27
i have moved from texas and i did not
45:29
have a church home at the time
45:32
um my church home that they wanted me to
45:35
come back to i wasn’t spiritually fed at
45:37
if that makes sense
45:40
so i was still looking to be fed
45:43
elsewhere um and then so her pastor and
45:46
me end up linking on a different level
45:49
so he’s not my pastor he’s also now my
45:50
spiritual teacher he does a lot of the
45:52
work with me
45:54
um as far as um
45:57
preparing myself for ministry again
46:00
um and so my office like you need to get
46:03
back into it
46:04
okay cool so then that’s the birth of
46:06
the minister’s side
46:08
and then it’s oh we’re about to have our
46:10
our fifth baby
46:11
right baby love was coming and she was
46:13
coming quick and out of all my babies
46:15
this is the first baby i was able to be
46:17
here
46:18
from start to finish for the birthing
46:19
process
46:21
and um i had a lot of questions
46:25
a lot of questions and
46:28
there’s a thing because there’s a term
46:29
called emotional labor
46:31
and that’s when you give somebody a lot
46:33
of emotional work to carry
46:36
during a process that they just don’t
46:38
want to do it my wife is pregnant
46:40
and i’m asking a thousand questions
46:41
about pregnancy and how i can help
46:43
so obviously she got irritated and
46:45
agitated
46:46
so then i have a doula by the name of
46:49
leanne leanna i love you you know that
46:51
um leanne took me under her wing and it
46:55
let me teach
46:56
you what i know so you can become a
46:58
resource
47:00
cool i’ll take it so then that was the
47:04
groundwork for
47:05
daddy doula and then working with men as
47:09
far as dad connect and melanin and daddy
47:12
same story just different scenario i was
47:14
walking through the scenarios of bonus
47:16
parenthood
47:17
and there is you can google it there is
47:19
not a single manual
47:21
for how to be a black bonus dad
47:24
not a one so i kept complaining to my
47:28
wife
47:29
and i’m like baby this don’t make sense
47:30
i can’t find a single book on how to do
47:32
this
47:33
yeah you can find uh all kind of stupid
47:36
stuff for idiots 101 like where is my
47:38
book i need a book
47:39
my wife and leanne both laughed and
47:41
looked at me and said guess what
47:43
you are now the resource for that too so
47:46
you will now be the voice for bonus dad
47:47
so that other men behind you
47:49
don’t have to stress out trying to find
47:51
a resource you are the resource
47:54
so all in all all three of these
47:56
instances i just told you
47:57
have all been pointed towards men
48:00
because that’s just where
48:01
my my talents lead me to
48:05
that’s beautiful i’m a firm believer
48:06
find the need and fill it don’t find the
48:08
need and kill it
48:10
so you saw the need and you’re filling
48:11
it up tell us a little bit about daddy
48:14
doula
48:15
so daddy doula is is my baby it’s
48:19
it’s it’s it’s showing out to be a
48:21
bigger blessing than i thought it would
48:22
be honestly
48:23
um but what what daddy doula is here to
48:26
do
48:26
is to sharpen and prepare the
48:29
non-birthing parent
48:31
i.e the dads or if you are of a
48:34
different sexual orientation
48:35
i don’t discriminate that doula is
48:38
all about uh preparing you to be a
48:41
father
48:43
but doing it in the aspects of
48:45
supporting the mother
48:47
right so as a father uh
48:50
my main job during pregnancy was to
48:52
ensure my wife was taken care of like i
48:54
got to make sure you’re eating
48:56
you’re getting enough rest you’re
48:57
drinking enough water you’re taking
48:59
these prenatals and so forth
49:00
and the list goes on and on and just
49:02
doing the work
49:04
and i learned that in that process
49:06
intentionality is key
49:08
when getting ready for a baby you have
49:10
to be very intensive
49:12
but very intentional um and being able
49:15
to realize
49:16
that during this process yes you are a
49:19
part of the process
49:20
but she’s carrying the load so we got to
49:22
lighten it a little bit
49:24
so daddy doula teaches fathers how to be
49:27
advocators for the
49:28
the mother of their babies how to be
49:30
present and how to be intentional
49:33
and then i go through all three
49:34
trimesters one two and three
49:36
and then as well as the fourth trimester
49:38
because baby’s here and you still need
49:40
an outlet and the resources bro what do
49:41
i do
49:42
i got you so daddy doula just tends to
49:46
the non-birthing parent and gives them
49:48
the tools to not just be fathers
49:50
but how to be advocators of their queens
49:52
as they’re going through their birthing
49:53
process
49:55
that’s wonderful let me ask from the
49:58
time you thought about this
50:00
through all the pushing from the two
50:02
ladies
50:04
what was the time from the initial
50:05
thought of this until it becoming a
50:07
reality
50:08
baby love is five months so about six
50:11
months
50:14
i did the research during the pregnancy
50:16
so i already had the blueprint
50:18
what i didn’t have was the drive to make
50:20
it a thing
50:22
i lived the blueprint i was talking
50:24
blueprint i knew what i went through
50:26
and all i needed was that point was the
50:28
doula to say josh you got what you need
50:30
what’s up
50:32
not ready yet baby love got here and
50:35
everyone said hey man
50:36
how are you doing this i was like well
50:37
it’s easy and i realized that the stuff
50:39
i went through prepared me
50:42
for this so uh about six months of of
50:46
sitting down and saying okay josh what
50:47
are we gonna do because if you’re gonna
50:48
do it or you’re not and if you don’t god
50:50
gonna give to somebody else
50:51
so what are we that’s how i made it
50:54
happen
50:57
so share share a success
51:00
that you’ve had either directly or
51:02
indirectly through daddy doula
51:04
um well so daddy doula is multifaceted
51:08
because it deals with not just fathers
51:10
who are expecting
51:11
but fathers trying to get back into the
51:13
lives of their children
51:15
those who may have pulled themselves out
51:17
due to whatever reason
51:18
and are finding it really hard or
51:20
intimidating to approach their children
51:22
and saying i fouled up i’m back let me
51:24
rebuild this bridge
51:27
um i was in a clubhouse room the other
51:30
day
51:30
true story can’t make this up and a
51:33
young lady
51:34
pulled me into a private room while i
51:35
was on stage dropping knowledge about
51:38
uh fatherhood girl dads just dropping
51:41
knowledge and then dropping gems
51:42
and she pulled me to a proverbs that i
51:44
don’t know who you are you don’t know me
51:46
and say yes ma’am
51:47
the spirit told me that you have a word
51:49
for me and my man
51:50
about our relationship
51:54
the spirit told you what i’m sorry if
51:57
i’m wrong just tell me i’m wrong
51:59
but i i want to get in a zoom meeting
52:01
with you so that you can sharpen us
52:06
um mind you my radar going crazy because
52:08
i don’t i don’t i don’t
52:09
i used to do that often right because
52:11
that’s what i did but now
52:13
i’m i’m done like i’m out of that so i
52:16
sat
52:16
back and i said i gotta go pick up my
52:18
baby from dance class
52:20
give me 30 minutes to mow this over and
52:23
i’ll send you a link
52:25
i will send you a link and if i don’t
52:28
send the link that means i can’t do it
52:30
okay cool that’s fair so i’m driving to
52:34
get my baby
52:35
and i promise y’all god talks me in
52:37
multiple ways but number one is music
52:40
so i’m in my car my i don’t listen to
52:42
radios
52:43
my iphone is my music right so i put my
52:45
apple music on shuffle and
52:47
whatever comes up just comes up and the
52:50
whole right there was gospel songs
52:53
and it’s stuff edifying me like you know
52:55
you got to do this work so what we’re
52:56
gonna do
52:57
okay i get home i took my baby into bed
53:00
after dance class
53:02
i create the link and i send it out my
53:04
god it’s late if they don’t answer they
53:06
don’t answer
53:07
within 32 seconds oh okay they’re here
53:10
um they’re waiting for you we to do it
53:14
and that session was healthy and it was
53:16
beautiful because it wasn’t just daddy
53:18
doodler and melanie
53:19
daddy melanie that mama got in the sheet
53:21
she dropped knowledge too
53:23
and it’s our ministry it’s our gift to
53:26
impart to people and it was such a
53:27
beautiful moment
53:28
but it was in a room about girl dads
53:30
where i was plugging daddy do look
53:33
that this came about beautiful so that’s
53:36
probably the biggest when i have clients
53:38
now who are reaching out
53:39
as we speak hey man i need your help in
53:41
the fourth trimester
53:43
so i’m getting those contracts and those
53:44
paperworks out and
53:46
and into into uh fruition and into
53:49
rotation i should say
53:50
but that was something that was like a
53:53
you you’re where you need to be
53:54
type of situation absolutely
53:58
yeah you foresight sometimes it’s not
54:01
your voice
54:01
just speaks but god is speaking through
54:03
you amen to that
54:05
now my prayer before i spoke was god let
54:07
them see less of me
54:08
and more of you it’s not about me i tell
54:11
everybody even when i’m preaching i’m a
54:13
vessel
54:14
don’t put me on my pedestal i’m flawed i
54:17
sin i’m not perfect i cuss sometimes
54:20
understand i’m a man but when i speak on
54:23
this pulpit
54:24
guy don’t let them see me let them see
54:26
you
54:27
you seemed received during your journey
54:31
as a father
54:32
is there anything you wish you have done
54:34
different so far
54:38
i would love to say yes but the true
54:40
answer is no and the reason that
54:42
is is because even through my flaws in
54:44
fatherhood
54:46
and much left to you my brother and
54:47
respect to you as well um
54:52
much as i would love to sit here and say
54:53
the mistakes i’ve made and the flaws
54:55
i’ve made i would love to take back
54:58
i did those in front of my children and
54:59
i repaired them with my children
55:02
so i was able to show them that even as
55:04
an adult you’re not
55:06
perfect but i’m here to i’m here trying
55:09
and i will always be here to try so i
55:12
would love to say no
55:13
no every mistake i made was a moment for
55:16
us to be closer
55:18
it was a moment for us to build that
55:20
bond that we have now
55:22
so yeah everything happened for a reason
55:26
compare our young fathers of today when
55:29
you are a young father
55:31
do they have it more challenging you
55:33
think than when you became
55:34
a young father it depends on how they
55:37
become a young father
55:39
i i i let me say this i didn’t choose
55:42
the route of anything
55:43
but i became a young father who became a
55:46
baby daddy
55:48
and in that process it was a little
55:50
different and a little harder
55:52
because i didn’t have a relationship
55:53
with the mother of my child until my
55:55
daughter turned six
55:58
meaning we didn’t have conversations
56:00
unless it was about the kids we didn’t
56:02
talk about nothing other than
56:03
my daughter and i had time with my
56:05
daughter on facetime
56:07
i’d go see her whatever the case may be
56:09
um
56:11
but i made that process harder by the
56:14
way i stood my ground
56:16
unnecessarily right um
56:19
and i i had to atone for it later on in
56:22
life i had to let the mother of my child
56:23
know like look
56:25
i know i made mistakes my bad like i
56:27
didn’t mean no harm
56:29
i was going off of a misconception i was
56:31
wrong i’m sorry
56:32
and she forgave me and because she
56:34
forgave me we now have a blended family
56:36
that is dope
56:38
she buys all my baby stuff when she has
56:40
her next baby we’re gonna buy all that
56:41
baby stuff
56:43
that’s just the relationship we have now
56:45
so with
56:46
the answer to your question is how did
56:48
you become a father
56:51
um exactly by having you by their side
56:53
every moment counts
56:54
exactly hands down uh intention
56:56
intentional presence is a thing
56:58
and if you don’t have it then then
57:01
you’re you’re you’re failing your
57:02
children in
57:03
in a different kind of emotional aspect
57:05
that you don’t understand
57:06
but uh fathers who are uh dealing with
57:09
above
57:10
i don’t know i hate the term baby mama
57:12
doctor i i i i don’t use it
57:14
i despise it no i don’t use it i don’t
57:17
use it
57:18
if you’re dealing in a fatherhood uh
57:21
situation where community is not at
57:23
heart let’s go that way
57:25
where it’s two people divided into the
57:27
two people on one accord
57:29
yes it’s hard but i i charge every man
57:32
to do the work of soul searching to see
57:35
what role you played in that divide yep
57:39
i had to do the work to say okay i found
57:42
up here here and here
57:44
let me atone for that i’m not saying say
57:46
sorry
57:48
no you atone there’s a difference
57:50
atoning is i know the hurt i caused
57:52
what can i do to fix it i’m sorry it’s
57:55
just a word
57:57
i atone what for what i didn’t be
58:00
specific i atoned for my actions
58:02
i atoned for my miscommunication i
58:04
atoned for listening to other people
58:06
outside of us
58:07
what can i do to make this unit strong
58:10
again
58:11
and i promise you the moment you do that
58:14
and you’re honest about it and you’re
58:15
real about it because
58:16
people can sense sincerity when you’re
58:18
real about it
58:20
it changes though i promise you i had a
58:22
30 minute conversation
58:24
and the dynamic of my relationship with
58:25
the mother of my child changed
58:27
360 overnight she texted my wife
58:31
she called me we sent her pictures of
58:33
the babies we face time
58:35
it is weird but it’s beautiful and it’s
58:38
only weird because it’s not normal
58:40
it’s not the norm of what people will
58:42
tell you it could be
58:44
it’s beautiful so if you’re in a
58:46
situation
58:47
where you guys are not married you guys
58:49
are not doing this together
58:51
yes it’s harder yeah it’s very much
58:54
harder
58:54
because you’re not just caring for a
58:56
child anymore you legitimately have to
58:58
care for the mother as well
59:00
because of the mother the child is not
59:02
okay guess what your child is not
59:04
she’s not okay so you you’re adding an
59:07
extra element of dynamic into it
59:09
that you probably didn’t plan for but
59:11
when you do this thing with someone who
59:13
you’re committed to
59:17
you send your brothers my way and we can
59:18
talk all day my brother i got
59:20
to do this work i meet that doctor
59:22
rodney
59:24
yeah i truly do this work this is my
59:26
calling
59:27
i i have a nine to five to support my
59:30
family i get a retirement check for the
59:31
army to support my family
59:33
this work i’m doing here is a passion
59:35
the same here
59:38
no it isn’t it isn’t and and
59:41
and i will say anyone who wants to reach
59:43
out to him
59:44
hey i love you i’d love you to come to
59:46
me but hey he’s he is
59:48
just as good if not better yeah you go
59:50
to doctor
59:51
doctor is busy
59:54
no no you know what
59:58
no i something tells me that we are
60:01
going to do something together in the
60:02
near future
60:03
a number of us that believe that yeah
60:06
manifest
60:07
that i’m okay with that and
60:10
offline i will definitely share some of
60:12
the resources from my dad’s central site
60:14
that i’m part of
60:15
to melt to the melody daddy and
60:17
definitely see if i can get him on some
60:19
of those conversations
60:21
i’m all for it uh wholeheartedly um
60:24
i often see social media playing a role
60:26
when two people break up they go
60:27
straight to
60:28
so here’s the thing right social media
60:30
is only what you make it
60:32
right uh me and my wife have a rule in
60:35
our house and where it’s
60:36
it’s very funny because we came to this
60:38
rule through drama
60:40
but uh we don’t run the social media
60:42
with our issues
60:44
we have what we call naked talks where
60:46
you coming to me
60:47
i come to you and we address this thing
60:49
when we’re ready to have an adult
60:51
conversation
60:52
uh i am very petty at moments i’ll give
60:55
it my wife is very petty at moment
60:57
she’ll give it
60:58
so we go to our cool down spaces as we
61:00
call it i go to the man cave
61:02
i cut on the playstation and i do what i
61:04
do my wife will go doodle or draw she’s
61:06
an artist so she does that
61:08
that picture behind me is her drawing so
61:10
my wife’s an artist
61:11
she does that and we cool down and then
61:13
we come back and we talk about it
61:15
and we don’t post about it we don’t go
61:18
to social media about it
61:19
we talk about it why because here’s the
61:22
thing
61:22
the more people you let into your
61:24
situation good better and different
61:27
is the more people who now feel invested
61:29
in something that has nothing to do with
61:30
them
61:33
fully agree on that versus you coming to
61:36
me who has to do this work with
61:38
you and we fix this together and then we
61:41
let it go
61:41
together no one else has to know it was
61:44
an issue
61:47
straight talks straight we do polls we
61:49
do other stuff that we may post on
61:51
social
61:52
media hey y’all how many y’all text your
61:53
girl 13 times a day
61:55
that’s a joking thing when it comes to
61:57
real serious abraham that’s in-house
61:59
i’ll call one of the brothers hey bro i
62:01
need you to come in here
62:03
and mediate because it’s finna get hairy
62:05
and they come right over
62:07
but that’s in-house we’re not doing that
62:09
on social media
62:13
uh but yeah like you said no my wife is
62:16
my wife is my biggest protector next to
62:17
my daughter
62:18
so you can’t you can’t down either one
62:21
of us in front of each other
62:24
no nothing oh but yeah back to the
62:27
fatherhood yeah so
62:28
i got lucky to to that i was able to
62:31
manifest my baby being born in a house
62:34
that was mine with a woman who was my
62:36
partner
62:37
and i’m her partner and then we’re doing
62:39
this work together
62:40
and it was easy um the hardest part is
62:44
now that she’s here
62:45
finding space to give each other time to
62:47
not be a parent
62:49
right because being a parent is a 365
62:51
job yes
62:52
but sometimes i just want to be josh not
62:54
daddy and sometimes she wants to be
62:56
sympathy not mama
62:58
and being able to give each other that
63:00
space so every weekend
63:01
on saturdays i give her three hours to
63:03
go run her stuff because
63:04
you gotta do good stuff symphony yeah
63:07
see
63:08
my thing is my kids are my safe haven so
63:10
i don’t need a break from them
63:12
i’m gonna try to take a break from work
63:13
they’re gonna pretend to break from
63:15
absolutely i give my wife that time go
63:18
go be
63:19
symphony please go get with your girls
63:22
go get
63:23
my ties and go do what y’all do i got my
63:26
kids
63:27
all day every day uh but that’s probably
63:30
the biggest struggle in parenthood now
63:32
is just being able to allow her the time
63:34
to be
63:35
not mama true but other than that we
63:38
i’m blessed to be able to say this
63:40
parenting thing is easy
63:42
it’s easy what was one of the hardest
63:45
times you had
63:47
being a father and why was it hard
63:52
i laugh at it now i didn’t laugh then uh
63:54
baby love
63:55
my my baby is a crybaby she’s a daddy’s
63:59
girl which means the moment i’m don’t i
64:01
don’t touch her
64:02
she goes off the chain i’ve never seen
64:06
somebody so small yell
64:08
so loud in my life
64:11
i should go get her but she sleep right
64:12
now and i don’t want to wake up
64:15
um but baby love the way she
64:18
looks at me is she she pierces my soul
64:21
with her eyes
64:23
it’s a whole different connection and
64:25
don’t get me wrong
64:26
all my kids can do it but she has done
64:28
it from the time she came out the womb
64:30
till now
64:32
she recognized and i talked to the baby
64:33
the billy every day but she knows daddy
64:36
daddy walks he knows my truck in the
64:38
pool and she just a joke
64:40
and she’s five months right um
64:43
but it was a specific night when i
64:45
couldn’t get her to breastfeed
64:47
my daughter is a specifically breastfed
64:49
baby
64:51
so when it’s time to introduce the
64:52
bottle she didn’t want no parts in it
64:54
like i know what i suck on i don’t want
64:55
this
64:56
i want what i want and i had
64:59
to and the mother can’t initiate the
65:02
bottle
65:03
because the baby already knows you have
65:05
breasts i want that
65:07
so it’s either the father or somebody
65:08
who doesn’t have milk who has to
65:10
initiate the first feeding
65:12
yep um and when i tell you she gave me
65:15
hell dr vibe my baby hit a soprano note
65:19
and she screamed that note for 35
65:21
minutes
65:23
just screaming my head off oh wow
65:26
it was my fault because i had one of
65:28
those small even flow bottles that you
65:31
turn the bottle
65:32
to adjust the flow right i didn’t turn
65:35
the bottle
65:36
so nothing was coming out and she was
65:39
mad like dude i’m hungry give me
65:40
something
65:42
so by the time i by the time i was able
65:44
to figure out i was already flustered
65:46
i’m almost at tears so i think about me
65:49
daddy doula is a thing also because i
65:51
deal with anxiety over my daughter
65:53
crying
65:54
every time she cries i have to run to
65:56
stop her what’s wrong baby
65:58
why are you crying what what i got to do
66:01
um and i had to realize that that’s
66:04
normal number one
66:05
but number two that’s my job as a father
66:08
it’s a response
66:09
she’s crying for a reason let’s figure
66:11
out why uh but it gave me immense
66:14
uh anxiety in the beginning of when she
66:16
cried because i felt like i was failing
66:18
her
66:19
i can’t get you to stop crying i hate
66:22
this what am i doing
66:23
i gave her to my wife i went to the cave
66:25
and i think i stayed down it’s like two
66:27
and a half hours
66:28
just so that i could deal with that
66:31
emotion and give it a name
66:33
because uh i was so mad dr vibe
66:37
you would have thought my baby did
66:38
something like a crime i was hot
66:40
and what you’re doing what babies do
66:42
it’s your job
66:44
so my wife said go go collect yourself
66:46
we’ll talk about it i went down there
66:47
for two night i think i came back
66:49
upstairs like midnight
66:50
and my wife was knocked out with the
66:51
baby and i i went ahead and got my
66:53
little side spot in the bed and went to
66:55
bed
66:56
um yes sir like
67:01
i’m gonna change it a little bit it’s
67:03
important to know how much a man’s role
67:05
is in his kid’s life
67:06
i don’t care the race of the man just do
67:08
the job give me a white man a puerto
67:11
rican man a black man
67:12
an indian man a man man just do the job
67:16
because you create a void when you don’t
67:19
and that somebody else has to help them
67:21
figure out why they have this void
67:23
instead of us solidifying them so they
67:25
don’t have a void at all
67:27
right but back to the story so i um
67:31
i had to um
67:34
i had to regroup and the next morning we
67:36
talked and said what happened
67:38
i don’t i felt i felt inadequate in that
67:42
moment
67:43
what do you mean i felt like i was not
67:46
good enough
67:47
to keep my child from crying because all
67:50
she wanted was the breast and i ain’t
67:52
got no milk
67:54
and my wife laughs at that i hear you
67:56
that’s adequate i completely get it
67:58
thank you for
67:58
mowing over your thoughts my wife is my
68:00
sex place so i can talk about anything
68:02
and not be judged and my wife was like i
68:05
i received that thank you
68:06
she’s like so what do you need from me i
68:08
said i don’t know maybe it’s too soon to
68:10
bottle feed i don’t know
68:12
the next night dr vibe so that night
68:14
after we had this talk
68:16
i gave my baby the bottle after turning
68:18
the nozzle and she drank it like a champ
68:20
and looked at me the whole time smiling
68:23
wow it was it was intense in the moment
68:26
but looking back on it
68:28
my baby was hungry and i couldn’t get a
68:29
milk it just happened
68:31
right if i had my father by my side
68:33
there
68:34
have been a lot of things i wouldn’t
68:36
true but but i also want you to
68:38
i also do i also don’t want you to hold
68:40
on to the victim mind frame
68:42
i’m talking to josh right now okay i’m
68:45
talking to you and i’m talking to josh
68:46
i held on to the victim my friend for
68:49
way
68:49
too long well my mama
68:53
your parents did the best they could do
68:55
or didn’t do the best they could do
68:57
that’s it now as adults it’s our job
69:00
to unpack unlearn and be different for
69:03
those after us
69:04
so yes your daddy wasn’t there i atone
69:07
for the lack of presence that that man
69:09
left and avoid that man left yes
69:12
living that that is validation yes you
69:14
are right
69:15
but now what hey as i said as i say to
69:18
people
69:19
you either let go or you be dragged
69:23
the the the loss of that person is there
69:26
they were not there yes you are very
69:28
true but
69:29
now we got to move forward not not for
69:32
them
69:33
but for the future because you’re
69:36
holding yourself back holding on to any
69:37
kind of pain
69:38
that is left from that situation so i
69:41
urge you if dr vibe can’t help you
69:44
reach out to me if i can’t help you get
69:46
you some therapy and figure out
69:48
the next steps for you so that you can
69:50
let that go
69:51
it’s not healthy for you to hold on to
69:53
pain especially pain you didn’t cause
69:56
there you go because not only are you
69:59
counting on you you forsake other people
70:01
are counting on you
70:02
yes so it’s very very important every
70:06
man and father out there there’s someone
70:09
who’s counting on you
70:12
every day every day it could be children
70:14
it could be
70:16
significant other could be your
70:17
workplace could be someone in your
70:18
community
70:19
and when i say counting on you even
70:21
simple things like i went out for a walk
70:23
today
70:24
and i went by my neighbor and i said
70:27
hello
70:28
what would have happened if i didn’t and
70:29
i’ve known this lady for 30 years
70:33
she’s counting on me to greet her she
70:35
lost her husband three years ago
70:38
right like yeah and she and she’s such a
70:42
giver
70:43
last summer she was cleaning out her
70:45
house and she gave me a picture of
70:47
myself and one of her sons when we were
70:50
growing up together
70:55
now imagine if you weren’t here in this
70:58
season
70:58
to feel the void in her life that you
71:00
are how alone she would be
71:03
exactly but you have to be emotionally
71:05
and mentally there
71:07
in order to do that work for somebody
71:08
yes i had a podcast where i said how can
71:11
you be
71:12
100 100 for somebody else when you’re
71:15
only 30
71:15
for yourself exactly you got to do the
71:19
work to keep your cup full
71:21
and to put yourself in situations with
71:23
brothers and sisters
71:24
who sharpen and edify you dr vibe edible
71:28
edifies me often hey brother i love you
71:30
stop talking like that
71:32
yes sir i hear it yeah or matt or or dj
71:36
or or the father hoover
71:37
like we do this thing because we have to
71:39
community is
71:40
necessary to do the work that we’re
71:42
doing
71:44
it’s imperative it’s imperative
71:47
because we all have different missions
71:49
on different levels but together
71:51
as a united front we can touch everybody
71:55
my boy antonio i love you my brother
71:57
thank you for coming by
71:59
oh i need you on the live later but
72:01
we’ll talk later i got you
72:02
[Laughter]
72:05
oh my goodness so i just we’re gonna
72:07
start winding it down because
72:08
i know you did one earlier on but um
72:11
this is my passion so this should not
72:14
work
72:16
let me ask you three happiest moments in
72:19
your life to date
72:23
the moment i became a father for the
72:25
fifth time
72:32
my wedding day
72:36
in no particular order let me put that
72:37
in there okay exactly
72:40
i do hear someone in the background okay
72:42
no particular order
72:44
becoming a father to baby love my
72:46
wedding day
72:48
and the moment i realized my purpose my
72:50
purpose and my passion
72:53
wonderful that is
72:56
what do you hear what do you hear of
72:59
some of the common challenges that
73:01
fathers and men are coming to you with
73:03
these days
73:07
blended family issues um
73:10
i’m trying to teach my sons this but
73:12
they’re with their mom with this amount
73:13
of time and
73:14
this then the third um
73:18
men trying to re-enter a relationship
73:20
after being void
73:23
it’s a big one
73:26
and i think i think one of the things i
73:27
will just say before you say anything
73:29
else
73:30
men when you’re getting into a
73:32
relationship
73:33
you’re not just getting in the
73:34
relationship with the person you’re
73:36
getting into with the family
73:40
the family
73:43
as men we often forget to do our
73:45
research
73:48
yeah you often forget to realize
73:51
that if i lay down with you and i create
73:54
something with you
73:56
i’m not just stuck with you for 18 years
73:59
but my daughter or son
74:00
has to have a relationship with your
74:02
family as well
74:03
so now i am now intertwined into this
74:06
spider web of stuff for people i don’t
74:08
even know
74:10
because of how i chose to do this right
74:14
um i i will never say that my old my
74:17
eldest
74:18
is anything less than a blessing i will
74:21
say
74:22
i wish i was more intentional and
74:25
strategic in the way i made her
74:29
i’m i’m i’m a father and i’m blessed
74:32
because of my children
74:34
but i could have saved her and myself
74:38
a lot more stress but if i did it
74:41
correctly the first time
74:47
it’s bigger than just dipping your pants
74:48
and walking away it’s
74:51
you’re you you you when you make a baby
74:53
you literally have just created a
74:54
covenant
74:55
and that’s how i need fathers to think
74:57
of this i have now
74:58
signed up to be in covenant with not
75:01
just this woman and this baby
75:03
but the family that supports this woman
75:06
and the communities that support these
75:08
women
75:09
and this baby if you think of it on a
75:11
macro level i am now signing up to deal
75:14
with
75:14
70 extra people i had no idea i wanted
75:16
to be around
75:19
and that’s really that’s really how it
75:20
is so my mama calls my wife my brother
75:24
will
75:24
text me to tell my wife things because
75:26
he won’t call nobody he’s weird
75:29
my uncles and aunts will call me to talk
75:31
to my wife and my wife is like i just
75:33
married you
75:34
no you didn’t you married everybody yep
75:38
exactly and it’s that simple when i
75:41
married my wife i married a sister
75:42
i married i married my nephew and nieces
75:45
because they
75:46
are looking for me to be something for
75:48
them too
75:49
yeah yeah because they have known her
75:52
longer than you have
75:55
and hey they don’t want to get their
75:57
girl hurt no way
76:00
no way that gonna happen no way
76:03
but but they also but they also
76:06
understand
76:07
who i am in the in the role of my
76:10
marriage
76:11
yeah so my wife and my kids see a teddy
76:14
bear
76:15
everybody else until you get in meets
76:18
the grizzly bear and it’s two different
76:20
things
76:21
right my wife has earned the pleasure of
76:25
being to know
76:26
i’ve earned the pleasure to know that
76:28
she’s secure in the house that we share
76:32
and why
76:41
if i brought my wife over here to tell
76:43
y’all she’ll tell you i married my
76:44
husband because he’s huge
76:46
and i feel secure that’s exactly why she
76:48
married me oh and i’m black
76:50
she likes that color three for three
76:55
i like your color you’re huge and i feel
76:58
safe
76:59
that’s exactly what she married nice
77:03
nice so yeah that’s beautiful
77:07
that’s beautiful what
77:10
i guess what has the clubhouse
77:12
experience done
77:13
for you professionally and personally
77:19
personally it just it it broadened the
77:21
community in which i belonged to
77:25
i have brothers in every city now in
77:28
every state now
77:29
and in different countries
77:32
you as well as a couple other daddy
77:35
bloggers out there like if you ever come
77:37
to canada
77:38
i got you uh but it widened my community
77:41
but bigger than that
77:43
personally it gave me a space to know
77:45
that i’m not alone
77:50
i want you to stop right there we’re
77:51
going to go on this point
77:54
how important or how many people don’t
77:57
realize there are men and fathers that
77:59
are alone
78:02
i i know men and fathers who are married
78:04
to women
78:05
in thriving relationships feel alone
78:07
every day
78:09
because we don’t often
78:13
especially in a relationship you don’t
78:15
do a pulse check
78:16
often i have to force myself to
78:20
daily check my wife’s pulse daily
78:23
because it was a time when i didn’t it’s
78:26
before we got married
78:27
and my wife just it was she was i was
78:29
living in my apartment
78:31
she was living in her house and we’re
78:32
we’re texting and talking and she’s like
78:34
dude
78:35
i just want you to ask me how the f i am
78:38
dot dot dot i was like we’ve been
78:41
texting all day what do you mean i know
78:43
how you are you had a rough day where
78:45
no but just ask me check my post please
78:48
oh okay well how are you
78:52
and then the waterfall came with all the
78:54
emotions of what she was holding on to
78:56
because i hadn’t checked the pulse so
78:59
now every day we get home from work we
79:00
kiss how was work stop
79:02
how’s your pulse nice i’m good
79:06
how’s your pulse baby yeah work was
79:08
rough i had a couple surgeries but it’s
79:09
all right
79:10
i’m good and then we go on with our
79:13
conversation
79:15
a lot of men don’t have a safe space to
79:17
say my pulse is off
79:20
my pulse socks on my finger fell off a
79:22
long time ago
79:23
and you forgot to find it
79:26
um and part of that is unfair because
79:29
we’re putting
79:30
expectations on our partners to be more
79:33
sometimes than what they can be
79:35
but as a partner my job is to encompass
79:37
what you needed to accomplish
79:42
here’s the thing melvin we have to lose
79:44
this mentality that emotions equal
79:46
weakness
79:48
we have to lose this mentality emotions
79:51
equal
79:51
less masculine we have to lose these
79:53
mentalities that emotions
79:55
equal blah blah blah what emotions equal
79:58
is you’re human
80:01
i need my brothers to understand you not
80:03
showing emotions is why your kids are
80:05
emotionally vague
80:08
you not showing emotions is why your
80:10
relationship is emotionally vague
80:13
you not being emotional and being safe
80:16
with the person that you say you love
80:18
is why everything around you when it
80:20
comes to emotions
80:22
seem difficult i can tell my wife right
80:25
now even though she’s on the ig live
80:28
baby i’m mad because my foot hurt oh
80:30
baby what you need me to do nothing i
80:32
just want to get that off my chest okay
80:34
and we keep on moving because emotions
80:36
are normal
80:38
yeah what’s not normal is acting like
80:40
you don’t have them
80:41
there’s the key there’s a key whenever
80:44
i’m doing sessions with men
80:47
the first thing i ask them is how are
80:50
you feeling on a scale of one to ten
80:54
the first thing and whatever number they
80:58
give me i say
80:59
why are you feeling like that mm-hmm and
81:02
you’ve been in the room where’s how’s
81:03
your cup
81:04
how’s your that’s what you ask that’s
81:06
that’s a trademark
81:07
you need to trademark that my brother
81:10
i’m telling you
81:12
i’m telling you and i have to remind
81:14
brothers all the time i’m not just
81:15
asking to ask i actually care how is
81:18
your cup
81:20
if your cup is empty you can’t go out
81:22
here and be daddy of the year
81:24
you can if your cup is empty you can’t
81:26
be father of the day you can’t be dead
81:28
the other day
81:29
you can’t be super superhero at the
81:31
moment because you’re
81:32
empty you can’t call for
81:36
here’s an empty cup yup
81:41
nothing’s going to come out but when you
81:43
start to let people edify you and add
81:46
water to that cup
81:47
now you can pour out
81:50
right it’s simple you have to be able to
81:54
be in tune with yourself
81:56
first before you can ever be emotionally
81:59
spiritually physically anything for
82:02
anybody else
82:04
and that’s why we take the time to edify
82:07
one another
82:07
so that we can show up in our
82:09
communities whole
82:11
so then i can pour out for you so you
82:12
can do what you got to do
82:15
as i say one of the great questions i
82:18
ask men and fathers
82:21
how’s your heart yeah
82:24
and they’ll tell me they haven’t worked
82:26
out and ran for a while that
82:28
and then i said i ain’t asking about
82:30
that
82:34
and then most of them will give me a
82:36
screw face
82:38
because no no no you’re not supposed to
82:41
ask me that
82:42
most people are never even in tune with
82:44
themselves to know how they feel
82:46
most men don’t even have the vocabulary
82:49
to put a name to the emotion
82:51
if it’s anything i found out in this
82:53
work is i mean men who say i’m just
82:55
i feel off well brother we need more
82:58
than off so let’s do some work to figure
83:00
out what off means
83:01
yeah because until you can name an
83:03
emotion you can’t fix it
83:06
my wife had coveted and she kept telling
83:08
me baby i feel weird
83:09
i feel weird i feel weird i said baby i
83:12
love you to life you know i do
83:14
weird as a diagnosis or prognosis what
83:16
do you feel
83:18
weird baby i don’t know i feel baby we
83:21
have to figure out more than weird
83:23
so give me symptoms give me something my
83:25
head is hurting it’s hard to breathe
83:27
stop we’re going to the hospital i
83:30
already know what this is
83:31
i work in a hospital i’m not playing i’m
83:33
not playing this game with you let’s go
83:35
we got to figure this out she had covey
83:38
wow so understand until you can name a
83:41
thing
83:42
or at least give me the symptoms and let
83:44
me help you get there
83:46
i can’t fix nothing
83:49
you can’t you can’t fix something that
83:51
you can’t put a label on
83:53
yeah like i always say there’s a word
83:56
intimacy but i like to say
83:57
it to me see
84:01
uh into me see
84:05
so so important and one of the things
84:09
this last year has
84:10
shown me and i’m sure josh can agree
84:13
there’s a lot of men that don’t have
84:15
that intimacy with themselves
84:18
but then wonder why they can’t find
84:20
intimacy with a partner
84:23
[Laughter]
84:26
you can’t give something you don’t have
84:28
sir
84:30
that’s why you can’t find intimacy
84:33
because intimacy ain’t got nothing to do
84:35
with sex i tell you no
84:36
i i had a bro i had a i had a session
84:39
with a young man
84:40
man my relationship was lacking intimacy
84:42
okay
84:43
well tell me what’s going on well we
84:44
only have sex every three days
84:51
first of all you should congratulate
84:52
because that’s way above average
84:55
i said sir tell me what’s wrong with the
84:57
intimacy
84:59
well we ain’t having enough sex i said
85:01
sir
85:01
[Laughter]
85:03
i wish i could have not said
85:06
intimacy is not sex so was the last time
85:09
you gave her a massage
85:10
was the last time you played music in
85:12
february what is that
85:15
what’s that intimacy sir that
85:18
what until you learn what intimacy is
85:22
for yourself
85:24
you can’t require for somebody else
85:25
because you don’t know what you’re
85:26
looking for
85:28
wow sex is not intimacy people sexual
85:31
sex
85:34
make love outside of the bedroom
85:38
my wife my wife had a quote that blew my
85:40
mind because i so i’m different i’m a
85:42
different kind of guy
85:43
and not to get into sex but i’m a
85:44
different kind of guy i made my wife
85:47
show me what she wanted physically for
85:49
me
85:51
i i took a course i took note i still
85:53
have the notebook with the notes in it
85:55
dr
85:56
i took notes like oh so you want okay
85:59
i got that i can do that okay yeah yeah
86:02
i took notes
86:03
but what i also did um
86:06
while getting back to intimacy was i
86:08
figured out that my
86:09
wife’s sexual intimacy starts in her
86:12
mind first
86:13
absolute and the document as for many
86:16
ladies it does
86:17
if i can engage my wife’s mind
86:20
i ain’t got to do no work for the body
86:21
but it doesn’t it does it for me i got
86:24
to do nothing
86:26
so every every morning she gets that
86:27
good morning even though we live
86:29
together she’s in here
86:30
alive right now every morning babe i
86:32
love you have a great day at work blah
86:33
blah blah
86:34
i’m starting the mind early in the
86:37
morning
86:38
by lunchtime it’s babe how’s your day
86:40
you know i really love to just give you
86:41
a massage when you get home
86:42
that’s okay what oh of course that’s
86:45
okay baby okay cool
86:46
by the time i get home it’s like yo i
86:48
don’t even want the massage number
86:50
so what’s up
86:53
because i i understand how to play i
86:56
understand how to give my wife what she
86:57
means
86:58
so you said a very important word
87:00
understanding
87:01
yes understanding doesn’t mean you agree
87:04
all the time but you
87:05
understand i need people to understand
87:09
me and my wife disagree twice a day
87:11
sometimes three times a day but i
87:13
disagree with us disagreeing is healthy
87:15
because i have to learn a different
87:17
viewpoint and so does she
87:18
but second than that disagreement
87:20
doesn’t mean argument disagreement means
87:22
i don’t see it joe way
87:23
help me see it or we just say we agree
87:26
to disagree we keep on moving
87:27
absolutely because we look at the bigger
87:30
we look at the bigger picture to the
87:33
bigger picture
87:34
there’s a big expression especially when
87:36
you’ve done something that equals a
87:38
lifelong benefit you are mine for life
87:41
i am yours for life i’m not arguing with
87:44
you over what we eating for dinner
87:45
tonight
87:46
you know we can eat cereal be okay
87:49
what’s up
87:53
pick your battles people yeah yeah
87:56
yeah if it ain’t worth your time don’t
87:58
do it
87:59
don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it
88:03
don’t do it it ain’t worth it my brother
88:07
i’m gonna let it wind down here i wanna
88:10
i have one last conversation piece
88:14
when it comes to dads
88:18
what is your i’m gonna it’s a
88:20
multi-layered question
88:21
what is your message to
88:22
[Music]
88:24
women first when it comes to dads
88:30
and these are women that are not married
88:32
let’s put it that way or not in a
88:33
relationship
88:34
so women who are wanting to be mothers
88:38
in other words
88:39
yes number one
88:42
and the biggest advice i can give to any
88:44
woman who is contemplating
88:46
this thing called parenthood
88:49
number one choose wisely
88:53
because who you lay down with is who you
88:55
have to be stuck with
88:57
a lot of people in our generation in our
88:59
day and age
89:00
look at things that are material or
89:02
physical
89:03
and completely erase the mental and the
89:06
spiritual out of the equation
89:09
when i met my wife i did the work to
89:11
figure out all four areas before i ever
89:14
said we were dating
89:15
let me say that again i made sure to do
89:18
research in all four areas of her mental
89:20
her spiritual her physical and her
89:23
emotional
89:24
before we ever said we are physically
89:27
dating i need to know
89:28
that i know that i know
89:32
what it looks like to be in a
89:34
relationship with somebody who carries
89:36
this this this
89:37
and this because unfortunately i play
89:41
for keeps i’m too old to play the game
89:44
so it’s like either we gonna do this
89:46
thing for life or we’re just not gonna
89:47
do it right so number one be
89:51
careful and be intentional on who you
89:55
choose
89:55
but please also make sure that you have
89:58
those hard conversations
89:59
before you lay down with somebody we had
90:02
a credit talk before we ever had sex
90:05
we had a religion talk before we had sex
90:08
we had a
90:09
oh what’s your credit score do you want
90:11
to own a business what’s your 10 year
90:12
ago we had all these talks
90:14
before we ever got intimate with one
90:16
another because
90:18
you are bigger than your body i am
90:20
bigger than my body
90:22
i need to know what you fully encompass
90:24
look like
90:26
so be strategic be
90:29
uh uh be encouraged to do it but bigger
90:33
than that
90:34
understand that who you choose uh
90:38
is is a lifetime situation
90:43
wonderful don’t me don’t let temporary
90:46
feel good
90:47
lead you into a lifetime of feel bad
90:49
[Music]
90:51
what is your message for the mothers out
90:53
there
90:57
fatherhood does not equal bio
91:00
by itself meaning i
91:03
am a bigger presence as a father in my
91:05
kids life than their bio that is
91:08
i’m a bigger presence in kids lives that
91:11
are attached to my children
91:13
than their dads are i have kids who
91:16
i have kids um
91:19
who listen to me over their own fathers
91:21
because they understand when a real
91:23
father comes into the space
91:25
what happens so understand
91:28
that even if you are a mother and if the
91:30
relationship failed or he just wasn’t a
91:32
good
91:32
dad there’s still hope out here that
91:35
your child can have a [ __ ]
91:36
community fatherhood is a thing i’m a
91:39
whole community daddy
91:40
i got kids who call me baba who i have
91:42
never made
91:44
and never had to worry about doing any
91:45
of that with but because
91:47
you needed me to be a presence i’m a
91:50
presence
91:52
and it’s just that simple okay for the
91:55
men out there
91:56
who want to be fathers before you become
91:59
a father
92:00
do the work
92:04
what does that mean josh i’m happy you
92:05
asked please unpack
92:07
unpack your trauma so you don’t pass
92:10
this trauma to your babies
92:12
please unpack your biases so you can
92:15
understand
92:15
how your biases are affecting your
92:17
parenting
92:18
please please please learn how to be in
92:21
community
92:22
before you make a baby because it takes
92:25
a
92:26
village to raise a child is not just an
92:28
african proverb
92:30
it’s facts and the biggest part of that
92:33
is you have to be a part of that
92:36
community in order for your children to
92:38
thrive in it
92:40
because if you’re going to have your
92:41
children be affected by the community
92:43
you also have to be affecting the
92:45
community positively
92:48
so please do the work
92:51
and finally your message to all the
92:53
fathers and dads out there
92:56
understand how important your presence
93:00
your intentional presence is
93:05
understand that learning your children’s
93:07
love languages
93:09
will make your parenting with these
93:11
children
93:12
sore understand that they are not to be
93:16
bossed around
93:17
they are who they are meant to be by god
93:20
we are just guys
93:23
and understand that they didn’t ask to
93:25
be here
93:26
so please be the first loves of all your
93:29
children
93:31
simple my brother
93:34
my brother this was epic
93:38
i i sam the home of epic conversations
93:41
and also melvin lars says
93:43
this has been great in your words dr
93:45
vibe epic
93:47
melvin we appreciate you tuning in my
93:48
brother thank you um
93:50
long time falling he does a lot of work
93:51
with young men in
93:53
louisiana louisiana so he has a long i
93:57
was at four i was at four poke for
93:58
training before uh deployment so yeah
94:00
there you go joshua has
94:04
given it and he always does because he
94:06
cares
94:07
and he knows that it’s bigger than him
94:08
and he’s on a mission i’m glad to be
94:11
him and i are glad to be part of the
94:12
same mission if you want to get in touch
94:14
with him
94:16
there’s if you’re watching this here on
94:17
instagram he’s melania daddy
94:20
he’s also on facebook melanateddaddy
94:23
yeah it’s everywhere yeah yeah it’s it’s
94:27
he’s got the brand the da doula sessions
94:30
just look up dad doula sessions online
94:33
you’ll get all the information
94:35
and then or go ahead you can just or you
94:38
can just run me on instagram i’ll send
94:39
you the flyer
94:40
there you go and then finally the life
94:42
with zawadi podcast which is kicked off
94:45
recently
94:46
which is gonna be epic it’s rocking
94:49
it is rocking in the house we’re on
94:52
episode five now it posted today
94:54
so go on go ahead and tune in
94:57
all right it’s just to say it has been a
95:00
true
95:01
blessing from my path to run into your
95:04
path and i’m looking forward
95:06
to us changing men and fathers
95:09
one at a time change of the narrative
95:11
that’s our goal
95:13
change and also changing changing and
95:15
controlling
95:16
yes yes changing is one thing
95:19
i i am tired of hearing about fathers
95:22
not showing up
95:24
yeah i don’t even care about melanated
95:27
daddy
95:28
is targeted at my brothers who look like
95:30
this
95:31
but fatherhood as a whole is a gem
95:37
yeah tired of hearing men take this gem
95:40
for granted
95:41
yeah so fellas let’s do the work let’s
95:44
do the work
95:44
that’s repair let’s repair our
95:46
communities from the inside out
95:48
and let’s get back to raising carefree
95:50
children who don’t have to carry
95:52
our trauma or the trauma that was passed
95:54
down from our big mama and neal
95:56
let’s do the work just do the work
95:59
received
96:00
all right folks that’s the end of
96:02
another epic conversation i’m dr vibe
96:04
here the host and producer of the
96:05
award-winning
96:06
dr vibe show the home of epic
96:08
conversations on the host of epic
96:10
conversations
96:11
2020 podcast news award winner
96:14
2018 innovation award winner given out
96:16
by the canaan ethnic media association
96:19
also the host of the only podcast in the
96:21
world
96:22
that is for dads and fathers it’s
96:25
sponsored by dev of men care it’s also
96:27
called sponsored by
96:28
dad central canada’s national fatherhood
96:30
organization
96:31
i also would like to say that i’m the
96:34
board chair for the global food and
96:35
drink initiative
96:37
so if you want to find out about that
96:39
just go to the website global
96:41
food and drink initiative or gfdi.com
96:45
or org and you’ll get all the
96:46
information there like to say some
96:48
thank yous to some people who stuck it
96:50
out for this epic conversation tonight
96:52
melvin lars thank you very much you for
96:54
sight antonio
96:56
we also had deborah l mills dj dj
96:59
durrell
97:01
my brother and father in arms thank you
97:02
so much i’m going to close off with this
97:05
live your life as a dream if you can
97:07
dream it you can make it
97:09
sometimes you have to get small to get
97:11
stronger
97:13
block assumptions then aim bigger aim
97:16
better
97:17
aim higher and wider thank you also get
97:20
in touch with me if you feel that there
97:21
are any dads that should be
97:23
shared on this platform i’m on a
97:26
purposeful journey to showcase
97:29
100 dads before the end of this year
97:31
please
97:32
help me reach that because there are
97:34
many dads out there that stories need to
97:36
be shared not only for
97:38
themselves for other dads for families
97:40
but for the world
97:42
love faith and respect remember to give
97:45
yourself grace
97:47
god bless peace be well keep the faith
97:49
and walk good
98:05
[Music]
98:33
you
***
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The post Melanted Daddy Joshua Zawadi on Dads Talking™ appeared first on The Good Men Project.
